A baby changes everything

I am pretty sure I wrote a post on my former "Forney Four" blog matching this exact title when I was pregnant with little Miss M. 

And here I am again thinking some of the same thoughts. Only this time, it's for different reasons.

As my first trimester with this surprised blessing was coming to a close, my energy levels were returning, my gag reflex was being put back to where it used to reside, and my family was relishing in the fresh meals and attention I was able to finally provide. 

Unfortunately, it was short lived. Those few good days took me to a very difficult day this week when I started bleeding. A lot. Having never even seen anything remotely like that with my other three pregnancies, my fear switch flicked on in full neon mode and off we went to see the doctor. And then the next day to a specialist where we got a glimpse of this beautiful sight:

A healthy baby just swimming around, oblivious to the hematoma that had formed right under his/her playground. How it got there, we have no idea. But it's there and it doesn't want to stop bleeding. Thankfully, it's in the "best" possible place it could be under the circumstances, but still it's back to bed I go. 

And with that, lots of other things come back too. The guilt. And the feeling sorry for myself. And the unnecessary apologies to anyone who I have to ask for help. The blank stare on my husband's face after talking with the doctor pretty much summed it up for the both of us: it's going to be a long six months. 

We are prayerful that it will just heal on its own. For now I am to keep my feet up as much as possible over the next week. No shopping (thank goodness for Amazon!), driving, lifting of my baby girl, carrying laundry (ah shucks), etc....  

When I read an article last week about Oprah saying she was glad she never had kids, I admit that I thought, "How sad for her." Sure, she has a billion dollars at her fingertips and can have anything she wants, and three months into it, this is already the most difficult pregnancy I have had. But what is even more tragic to me is knowing that there are millions of women who would want to trade places with me in a heartbeat, knowing they won't ever have the opportunity. A billion dollars doesn't compare to the joy a little baby can bring. I can't imagine purposely choosing to not have children when truly, it changes everything. Especially the heart and soul of the person chosen to give life and love to that precious little one. It is a gift unlike any other.

I admit over the past three months I have been in a dark place, too sick to see any light ahead or to even envision the dark haired beauty I will get to hold in my arms in less than a year. But the images on the screen yesterday changed everything. There is nothing I won't do to get that baby here healthy, and to have the chance to join the ranks of three of the greatest children ever born! (I might be a bit biased.)

A baby changes everything, and thank goodness it does.

 

(And for much better eloquence on the matter, check out this post at "Hands Free Mama." I wanted to shout a big "Amen!" after reading it.)